jokes

A new study reveals that nut eaters have a lower risk of dying of cancer and heart disease. Although they have a higher risk of dying under the wheel of a moving car.

A new study shows sex and alcohol make people more happy than religion and children. The study was conducted at college.

Campbell's is worried that soup is becoming less popular in America. It's gotten so bad that people say they'd rather enjoy a hot bowl of Congress.

Darren Criss from "Glee" did karaoke at a gay bar by singing "A Whole New World" from "Aladdin" with the woman who did Jasmine's voice in the movie. Sources say the performance was so powerful that it broke the gay sound barrier.

The "Spider-Man" musical will close on Broadway in January and move to Las Vegas in 2015. So now what happens in Vegas, stays in a broken safety harness.

Sarah Palin's Ford Expedition that she used while serving as mayor of Wasilla has been listed for sale on Ebay. The listing claims that you can see Russia from the backseat.

It was reported this week that Abercrombie & Fitch sales are continuing to decline. Though Abercrombie & Fitch scents are still as strong as ever. 

After being charged too much for bacon, a Bermuda man caused $600 worth of damage to a restaurant. Or as the restaurant knows it, three strips of bacon.

Playstation 4 gamers are complaining about a problem with the system they call "the blue light of death." While parents of Playstation 4 gamers are complaining about a problem they call "my adult son won't move out of the basement". 

A new report shows that taking an Asprin before bed may reduce the risk of morning heart attacks. But still the most reliable way to reduce the risk of morning heart attacks is to not eat McGriddles.

This week, Congressman Trey Radel pleaded guilty to possession of cocaine. In other words, now he's just a Canadian green card away from being able to run Toronto.

The surviving members of Monty Python will reunite next year for a live stage show. In other words, now the parrot may not be the only thing in the sketch that's dead.

In an interview, Brett Favre said he's dealing with early stages of memory loss. But on the bright side, eventually he'll forget about the Wrangler Jeans commercials.

Bill and Melinda Gates have awarded scientists a $100,000 grant to develop a better condom. More specifically a condom that's able to convince women to have sex with it.

In a recent interview, Kris Jenner said that she’s open to dating younger men. Or at least men who look younger because of plastic surgery.

The nation of Qatar is hosting the World Cup, and there are complaints that, from overhead, its stadium looks like a vagina. Though Qatar officials say they actually plan to cover the stadium with a dome that looks like a burka.

The Oxford English Dictionary has declared "selfie" as its word of the year. And instead of including a definition there's just a tiny mirror.

A fan who fell from the top deck of a New York football stadium and landed on a fan in a lower level has been banned from future games. Though he's now been named as the newest cast member of the Spider-Man musical.