Tuesday, September 16, 2014

pumpkin flavored topical monologue jokes


GM will introduce a new car that allows hands-free, foot-free driving. Or as most people already call that, "texting while driving".

Olive Garden is offering a new deal that gives customers unlimited pasta for 7 days for just $100. Also included with the Olive Garden deal:  unlimited shame.

According to a new study, lesbians get more orgasms then straight women. The study was conducted by your ex-girlfriends.

In the wake of their highly publicized domestic assault incident, Ray Rice and his wife say they've found religion. Which makes sense, because they heard it's a stairway to heaven instead of an elevator.

This week, an Alex Rodriguez Linkedin profile surfaced online. You can tell it's really Rodriguez's profile because of how many endorsements he's received for "injecting steroids".

Lights on Broadway were dimmed Tuesday night in memory of Joan Rivers. Though a more appropriate tribute would've been to make the lights look twenty years younger.

In Oklahoma, a McDonald's sign fell on a patron's car right outside the restaurant. Though a manager assured customers that the outside of McDonald's is still safer for them than what happens inside.

The NYPD is requiring that its officers take classes on how to use Twitter. While Ferguson, MO is requiring that its officers take classes on how to shoot Twitter.

A new study says that having regular family meals helps protect teens from the effects of cyber bullying. Except when teens post a picture of them eating with their family.

According to a recent report, Apple's newest iPhone can also be used as a credit card. The phone is expected to be a huge hit amongst pickpockets.

A new report claims that companies are making more of an effort to recruit female construction workers. And by making more of an effort, they mean finding female candidates and catcalling them.

Led Zeppelin says it plans to release a series of scarves that feature art from their album covers. While Aerosmith says it has plans to release a series of scarves from Steven Tyler's neck.

Charlie Sheen is giving $1,000 to a Philadelphia waiter who was stiffed by an NFL player. The waiter said the first thing he's planning to do with the $1,000 is have it power washed.


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