Here's a piece I wrote for my friends at Laugh Staff:
Congratulations, you're going to be a co-best man!
Yes, that's right--the groom has taken a role traditionally reserved for one person and delegated the responsibilities to two people, because he realizes that the sum of his two best, degenerate friends is the closest thing he has to one competent best man. So far I've had this co-honor twice in my life.
Being a co-best man is what it's like when a football coach sends more than one captain for the coin toss; a team only needs one captain to call "heads" or "tails", but the other captains are there to shake hands, appear useful, and keep the others out of jail.
As a seasoned co-best man, I'd like to provide any novices with some important Do's and Don'ts to consider as you assume this role:
DO
Confer with the other co-best man about what kinds of activities he thinks should happen at the bachelor party.
DON'T
Listen to him if he says no strippers.
DO
Be the co-best man who convinces the other co-best man to upgrade from a regular hotel room to the penthouse suite for the bachelor party. Why? The penthouse suite has like a whirlpool AND a fireplace in it, man.
DON'T
Be the co-best man who puts down the rental deposit for the penthouse suite. "Deposit", in the context of a bachelor party, is the shortest possible way of saying "money that you might as well throw in the fireplace of your penthouse suite after you've destroyed the whirlpool". Make the other co-best man assume any financial responsibility.
DO
Collaborate with the other co-best man on the co-best men speech.
DON'T
Make your co-best men speech an Abbott and Costello routine. Especially if "Who" was a stripper from the bachelor party. ("Who's on first?" "No, Who's on stage. And I'm out of singles.")
DON'T
Live-tweet the bachelor party.
DO
Post any incriminating pictures to MySpace. No one will ever find them there.
DON'T
Let the groom do anything he'd regret if his wife found out.
DO
Blame the other co-best man if this actually happens.
And thus, the overarching lesson is that being a co-best man is just like being a regular best man, except that you have someone else to shoulder all blame and liability, if you play your cards right. Well, that's all the co-best man wisdom I have to pass along for now. Good luck!
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