Topical monologue jokes that even JJ Abrams won't direct

"There's not enough lens flare in the world to make these jokes good."

Detroit will get $20 million from the state of Michigan for meeting goals aimed at restructuring the city's finances. And since it's Detroit, they'll be taking the $20 million from Michigan at gunpoint. 

North Korean nuclear launch pad

Newly released satellite images reveal that North Korea is ready to carry out its threat to conduct a nuclear test. The photos reveal a team of North Korean scientists huddled around a catapult.

Video game maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. So the next version of space invaders will be Atari moving back into its parents' basement.

In a TV interview with Katie Couric, Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o admitted that he lied about his online girlfriend after discovering she didn't exist. Couric then admitted lying about the interview after discovering her viewers didn't exist. 


Pearl Jam is scheduled to perform a concert at Chicago's Wrigley Field. And if they play like the Cubs, fans won't get to see any hits.

Barbara Walters was hospitalized last weekend after falling down a set of stairs and hitting her head. Doctors say the damage to her head has caused Walters to experience Elizabeth Hasselbeck-like symptoms.

Prince told "Billboard" magazine that he doesn't speak to old people. When asked for comment, old people could not hear the question.

The owners of Pabst Blue Ribbon may buy Twinkies. They came up with the idea during a night of binge drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

A new study shows the South African dung beetle is the only member of the animal kingdom to navigate by using the Milky Way. Though technically Chris Christie navigates by using the Milky Way bars.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that a "cyber 9/11" could happen "imminently". Though experts say there's no way terrorists have a plane big enough to topple porn.

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon jokes

A county in Ireland has voted to permit people to drive when they are moderately drunk. They're calling it "Lohan's Law".

A 1-year-old boy will survive after his father forgot to remove him from his car in below-freezing weather. "Rookie mistake," said Casey Anthony.

The premiere of Kevin Bacon's new TV show Monday night got over 10 million viewers. Though the high ratings were probably due to American viewers mistaking Kevin Bacon for actual bacon.

Popular books renamed for the Facebook generation

A new report suggests that the text from Facebook posts is more memorable for people than the text from books. Publishers must adjust if they want to compete with Facebook for readers' attention. My suggestion is to start by reworking the titles of popular novels. Here are some pitches:

• Jules Verne's "Journey to the Center of the Earth? Yes, please!"
• Ernest Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises in an Instagram pic"
• William Shakespeare's "Romeo and It's Complicated with Juliet"
• George Eliot's "Silas Marner is listening to Clocks by Coldplay on Spotify"
• Leo Tolstoy's "War and LOL"
• Mark Twain's "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn at Coachella"
• Sherwood Anderson's "Winesburg, OH --> LAX --> NYC"
• F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby, No big deal"
• Joseph Heller's "Catch-22 cute things your child said today"
• James Joyce's "Profile Pic of the Artist as a Young Man"
• Philip Roth's "Portnoy's Complaint about drivers in bad weather"

READER SUBMISSIONS

• "The Three Musketeers Are Engaged" - @gonefiction
• "The Old Man and The Sea Are Now Friends" - Les Alder
• "Meh Expectations" - @wubsidaisy

Topical monologue jokes dopier than Lance Armstrong

"Likover has never used humor enhanced jokes."

New research reveals about 35% of U.S. adults say they've used the Internet to diagnose their medical condition. And 100% of those adults then used the internet to treat their condition with porn.

On Monday authorities at Chicago's O'Hare Airport discovered eighteen severed human heads. The situation was cleared up when the heads explained that they had just returned from a trip to Mexico.

On Monday authorities at Chicago's O'Hare Airport discovered eighteen severed human heads. After an extensive investigation the heads were then offered jobs as TSA screeners.

The U.S. Air Force says a search of its facilities has turned up tens of thousands of items it considers to be "offensive, inappropriate or pornographic." Or as it's called in civilian terms, "the internet".

A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. Doctors say these patients typically arrive in "serious but annoying condition".

A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. And to keep up with the visits, the number of doctors ingesting energy drinks has also doubled.

A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. The wait in emergency rooms has become so long that to stay awake patients just chug another 5 Hour Energy. 

Oprah Winfrey said she was "mesmerized and riveted" by her interview with Lance Armstrong. Winfrey also said she didn't expect Armstrong to actually admit to using the Oprah Winfrey Network.

A new study finds that that the more money college students get from their parents, the lower their grades are. Which explains why Mitt Romney was so familiar with losing the 47 percent.

Astronomers have discovered the largest known structure in the universe - so large it would take 4 billion years to cross it while traveling at speed of light. They're calling it "Chris Christie's belt".

New research shows that people are more likely to remember the text from Facebook posts than text from books. Publishers say they plan to adapt by re-releasing classics such as Tolstoy's "War and LOL".

Kim Kardashian told "Today" that she had trouble conceiving a child. She said most of the trouble was due a faulty camcorder.

Kim Kardashian told "Today" that she had trouble conceiving a child. "That was a hint," said God.

A Washington woman has been accused of smothering her boyfriend to death with her breasts. The victim's family say he died doing what he and every straight man loved.

Wal-Mart has announced plans to hire 100,000 military veterans. It's all part of Walmart's new slogan: "Watch out for falling soldiers!"

Topical monologue jokes that even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't steal

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is on the cover of Time magazine. But if you want to see the entire cover picture it's continued on page 87.

Honey Boo Boo's mother says she's protecting her kids by setting up their college trust funds. Which means it's actually the money that will be protected forever.

On Monday the chairman of Google arrived in North Korea. When hearing this even Google was like "Did you mean South Korea?"

Publisher Doubleday has announced that 'Fifty Shades of Grey' will be released with hardcovers. It makes it first book to be released that comes aroused by itself. The hardcover also means now readers can skip all of the foreplay.

Scientists have determined that the giant peach in the book James and the Giant Peach would have actually taken 2.5 million seagulls to lift in the air, not 501 as written by the author. Although scientists still can't find one seagull who'd rather lift a peach instead of crap on your car.

The Baseball Hall of Fame denied induction to Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds this year, citing steroid use. However, it's the same reason all three were unanimously inducted into the shrunken balls hall of fame.

Mike Tyson is set to have a guest role on Law & Order: SVU. He'll be appearing alongside his face tattoo.

South Carolina Police nabbed a teenager when they followed a trail of Cheetos leading from a convenience store he had robbed to a local residence where he was staying. Fingerprints taken from the crime scene reportedly match the suspect because they're "extra cheesy".

All of the McDonalds in Britain are replacing the toys in Happy Meals with books. Or as kids at McDonalds call them, "napkins".

Destiny’s Child will reportedly reunite at this year's Super Bowl. Because Beyonce needs two more people to carry her bags.

Alabama beat Notre Dame to win the BCS Championship. So Alabama is #1 in football, but they're still only #2 in obesity.

California knows how to party (and ticket)

What follows is how I contested a dubious LA traffic ticket; it's a move inspired by one of Adam Carolla's many rants about the "chicken shit tickets" doled out by LA officers to "rape the taxpayers".

In June 2012 I was ticketed for talking on my phone while driving, a violation of California's Wireless Communications Device Law. I fundamentally disagree with this law. Why single out cell phones when everything is a distraction from the road? Babies. Makeup. In-dash DVD players. And especially billboards. If the state of California really wants to prevent "distracted driving", they'll outlaw and tear down every last roadside billboard. The sole intent of billboards (and advertising in general) is to  

divert your attention/money.

So again, why single out cell phone use as the culprit for distracted driving? Here's why: because everyone has one, so the law is arbitrarily enforceable on 100% of the general driving population. And more traffic stops means more chicken shit tickets means more revenue for a state government that's proven to be an incompetent financial steward.

If you live(d) in LA then you'll remember the red light camera tickets. But the city ultimately bailed on the entire initiative due to public resistance, in the form of citizens contesting the tickets, and others' outright refusal to pay the fines. So now the enforcement of cell phone tickets is the city's latest/greatest profit path of least resistance from the public.

A few weeks after my traffic stop I received an envelope from the LA Superior Court. Inside was a form whereby I needed to decide how to plea. To the best of my memory there were three choices: 1. plead guilty, 2. plead not guilty and request a court trial, 3. plead not guilty and request a Trial by Declaration. I checked the box for Trial by Declaration, which means contesting the violation with a written statement of facts instead of having to appear in court.

The Trial by Declaration option seemed too good to be true. I wouldn't have to take off time from work. Or slog through traffic to/from the court downtown. Or even pay to park downtown. I kept waiting for the catch. Sure, I had to send a check for bail ($160), but that's the same amount I would've surrendered for a guilty plea. And at least with contesting I'd have a chance to win and then have the bail money refunded.

Paperwork for the Trial by Declaration arrived a few weeks after submitting my plea. It was due back to the court by 8/30/2012. I waited until 8/29/2012 to return the form, with the thought that maximum prolongation of the process would work in my favor.

For a government document, the Trial by Declaration form is surprisingly straightforward. There's a statement of facts section, wherein I plead my case : 

I was pulled over while idling in heavy traffic on the 10E / 110N interchange, for what the officer implied was talking on my phone while driving. However, during the traffic stop the officer never made direct mention of my phone or me talking on my phone. Further, I never made an admission of guilt. My back windshield and rear windows are tinted at 5% (black), which makes it difficult to see anything happening in the car from a rear point of view. When the officer hypothetically spotted me talking on my phone while driving, he wasn't parked roadside, he was idling in traffic behind me. So his rear point of view of my actions as driver would've been obscured by the tint.

Also, the responding officer misspelled my last name on the citation--it’s “Likover” not “Likouer”. This simple lack of attention to detail further damages his credibility for the already suspect judgment call that is the basis of this ticket.  

My statement was neither well written nor well thought out. My entire defense was tenuous, at best. Instead of denying that I'd broken the law, I resorted to casting doubt on the plausibility that the officer could've known that I had broken the law. But if nothing else, I got to take a parting shot at him for fudging my name.


The next step was confirming that my plea had been received. This was easily done via the LA Superior Court website. It's not surprising how efficient the state government is when it comes to maintaining a database of such a viable revenue source, traffic tickets. I confirmed that my plea had been received in time; the trial date was set for 12/17/2012.

A few months later, after 12/17/2012 had passed, I began to obsessively check the LA Superior Court website at least once a day for a verdict. But weeks went by without any change in status.

Then, the morning of 1/9/2012, more than six months after I'd been issued the chicken shit ticket, I had closure: DISMISSED. I had to rub my eyes and Google "DISMISSED" to make sure that this meant I won, and it did.

I'll never know if the dismissal was due to my paper thin defense (doubtful) or because of a failure on the officer's end (more likely). My guess is the officer didn't bother to follow up because for every one person who contests this garbage, there's nine people who just roll over and pay the fine.

I'll update this post as soon as I'm refunded my $160.


UPDATE (3/6/2013)
Yesterday in the mail I received this: 

That's right, my goddamned $160 refund check! Three full months after the ticket's date of dismissal (11/30/2012). 

Suck it, California Highway Patrol and your horrible chickenshit tickets!

P.S. - After scanning the ticket one final time before shredding it for my ticker tape parade, I've also noticed that in addition to misspelling my last name, the responding officer also miscalculated my age ;)

Jokes even Jay Leno won't buy

Scientists are developing new "smart" baby clothing that could automatically track infants' breathing and alert parents in case of trouble. They're planning to release the clothing in three sizes: 6 months, 12 months, and Jewish teen.

New research reveals that babies in the womb are able to absorb their mother's native language. Which explains why Snooki's baby is already fluent in Smirnoff-ese.

A federal judge has ruled a company owned by the founder of Domino's Pizza won't have to immediately implement mandatory contraception coverage in the health care law. Which explains why Domino's just unveiled their new Pregnancy Lovers Pizza.

Researchers at the University of Michigan say a new-generation pacemaker could be powered by the beat of a human heart instead of batteries. They're calling it "a heart".

Experts say shipping within the U.S. is at risk because the Mississippi River has sunk to a historic low. For instance, on Friday night the river was seen in sweatpants at a RedBox.

Before a recent meeting with President Obama, Speaker of the House John Boehner told House Majority Leader Harry Reid "Go f*ck yourself!" Though political experts expect this to be filibustered by Reid's penis.

Next month Starbucks will open its first store in Vietnam. Customers may experience flashbacks to cups of coffee costing less than $9.

Playmate Crystal Harris married Hugh Hefner at the Playboy Mansion on New Year's Eve. The new couple watched the ball drop at midnight and then two more when when Hefner disrobed.

 
Car rental company Avis has agreed to buy Zipcar for $500 million. Though when Avis showed up to make the purchase, it was not the same company they had reserved online.

Car rental company Avis has agreed to buy Zipcar for $500 million. Which turned out to be cheaper than renting it by the hour.

Car rental company Avis has agreed to buy Zipcar for $500 million. Though Avis was charged an extra $80 for not arriving with a full tank of gas.

During his Meet the Press interview, President Obama vowed to put his "full weight" behind legislation to prevent gun violence. Then Chris Christie offered his "full weight" and crushed the legislation.

Experts say Hillary Clinton's blood clot was likely caused by her extended bed rest. Which means Bill Clinton had nothing to do with it.

A new study finds that 94 percent of Israeli high school students surf social media sites during class. And the other 6 percent were too busy on Facebook to complete the study.

It's been reported that Lindsay Lohan spent New Year's Eve in London. Lohan celebrated like all Londoners: by driving on the wrong side of the road.

 
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is giving voters an extra 24 hours to submit their choices for Oscar nominations. The Academy said the extension is because voters are still waiting for the end of Judd Apatow's "This is 40".