Sunday, June 23, 2013

Topical jokes more troubling than Paula Deen

A new study suggests that moderate drinking may not be harmful during pregnancy. The study was conducted by that drunk, pregnant woman talking to you at happy hour.

A new study says that men with "restless leg syndrome" have a higher risk of death. While women with "restless leg syndrome" have a higher risk of twerkin'.

Republican Congressman Michael Burgess said he opposes abortion because he's seen sonograms of male fetuses masturbating while in the womb. In the male fetuses' defense, how else are you supposed to pass the time when you're trapped in a dark place for 9 months?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their baby North West. Which will now be known as the direction most likely to lead to a therapist's office.

FBI Director Robert Mueller admitted that the bureau has used surveillance drones inside the United States. He said the drones have provided evidence that an alarming number of Americans are now involved in watching "The Bachelor".

James Franco is asking the public to contribute money to fund three movies based on his short stories. But public response has been weak, because the stories are based on the time he hosted the Oscars.

Kanye West kept a camera crew out of the delivery room when Kim Kardashian gave birth. After telling the camera crew they couldn't enter, West was then asked to do one more take.

Kanye West kept a camera crew out of the delivery room when Kim Kardashian gave birth. He said, "No offense, but between my ego and Kim's ass, the room is at capacity."

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa told a radio station that he plans to eventually run for governor of California. And when he says he's qualified for the office, he's referring to his experience cheating on his wife.

New research suggests that autism may be linked to chemicals in air pollution. Though the smog in Los Angeles only appears to be linked to wannabe autists.

As part of Paula Deen's apology for racist comments, she said, "The color of your skin, your religion, your sexual preference does not matter, but it’s what's in the heart." In other words, cholesterol.

A beagle-boxer-basset mutt was the upset winner at the 25th annual World's Ugliest Dog Contest. It narrowly edged out the favorite for World's Ugliest Dog, a Steven Tyler Terrier.

For a limited time, Target is selling watermelon-flavored Oreos. And instead of consumers dunking the new Oreos in milk, Target expects the them to be dunked in tears.

A new study shows that high school boys in Los Angeles are twice as likely as the national average to have an eating disorder. Experts believe it has less to do with body image and more to do with having to fit into skinny jeans.

A new study shows that high school boys in Los Angeles are twice as likely as the national average to have an eating disorder. And now that it's big in Los Angeles, experts expect eating disorders to become popular with high school boys throughout the rest of the country.

The Jersey Shore town of Wildwood has passed a law banning baggy pants on the boardwalk. More specifically, they've defined baggy as anything that doesn't reveal a panty line.

Justin Bieber tweeted that he has a new movie coming out this year. The movie's working title is "Fast & Furious: Calabasas".

A private plane carrying George W. Bush was diverted to Louisville last weekend after the pilot reported the smell of smoke. Upon inspection, the pilot was able to determine that the smoke originated from George W. Bush making s'mores.

During a concert in England, Rihanna got rid of a fan who wouldn't let go of her by hitting him with a microphone. The fan suffered only minor injury and is expected to go running right back to Rihanna.

To replace the fired Selma Blair, Charlie Sheen's show "Anger Management" has sent out a listing seeking an actress, who is "gorgeous," "sexy" and who "hates" herself for "becoming attracted to Charlie." In other words, they're looking for Sheen's next ex-wife.

"Sesame Street" has unveiled a new Muppet whose father is in jail. The Muppet learns what it's like to live in jail by visiting Bert & Ernie.



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