Topical monologue jokes probably being monitored by the NSA

"Hello, Chuck E. Cheese? This is President Obama speaking."

Police dragged three topless protesters from outside the German chancellery where they were pleading for the release of fellow activists jailed in Tunisia. Though so far the only release they've inspired is the video "Protesting Girls Gone Wild". 

President Barack Obama has declared that America is "going to have to make some choices" in balancing privacy and security. Which is different than the choice Americans usually make, "plain or pepperoni".  

A team of researchers at the University of Minnesota have developed a tiny helicopter that's controlled exclusively by human thought. Which explains why the helicopter keeps trying to crash into other helicopters' genitals.

Justin Bieber has bought a ticket for a flight on Virgin Galactic's spaceship. He says we wants to know what it feels like to speed 17,000 miles per hour through space instead of his neighborhood.

Vermont has passed a bill to become the 17th state to get rid of criminal penalties for the possession of small amounts of marijuana. Or as it's known there "Ben & Jerry's Law".

An actress from "Vampire Diaries" and "The Walking Dead" has been arrested in connection with ricin-laced letters sent to President Obama and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. The woman claims it was all part of her plan to audition for "Homeland".

Domino’s Pizza has carried out the world’s first pizza delivery by drone. After hearing about this, Chris Christie drew a target on his gut.

A New York soccer mom has been busted in a multimillion dollar marijuana grow operation. Other soccer moms grew suspicious when she replaced the orange slices at halftime with brownies.

After getting kicked in the head during a concert by Miguel, a young woman is being tested for brain damage. The incident would mark the first time Miguel caused brain damage with his foot instead of his music.

On Friday, former MTV star, Kristin Cavallari, and Chicago Bears quarterback, Jay Cutler, were married in a secret Nashville wedding. But as expected, news leaked when Cutler's secret was intercepted by another team.

After being struck by lightning, a Florida-bound plane was forced to land in New Jersey. When learning where they were headed, passengers prayed for lightning to strike twice.

A controversial renovation of Wrigley Field may result in new outfield signs that block the view of Chicago Cubs games from neighboring rooftop seats. Or as Cubs fans will call those seats, "the best ones in the house".

A year after being approved by federal regulators, Belviq, a new weight loss drug, is now available for adults who are obese or overweight and have at least one serious medical condition. In other words, Americans.

A Cleveland Indians baseball player has been charged with misdemeanor drug possession after marijuana was mailed to his home in his dog's name. Authorities say he probably should've named his dog something more discreet than "Pothead".

Barack Obama has defended a formerly secret program by the National Security Agency to collect the phone records of Americans as a necessary safeguard against terror threats that the public never knows about. As an example, he says it's already thwarted a plot by Joe Biden to continue crank calling Chuck E. Cheese.

Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed bin Talal has sued Forbes magazine for libel, alleging its valuation of his wealth at $20 billion was short by $9.6 billion. To be fair, Forbes didn't realize Alwaleed had an extra $9.6 billion until he dug it out of the couch cushions.

New Hampshire has posthumously emancipated 14 slaves who fought in the Revolutionary War and asked state lawmakers for their freedom more than 230 years ago. So now those freed slaves are finally free to roam about their own graves.

According to a new study from the ACLU, African Americans were nearly four times as likely than whites to be arrested on charges of marijuana possession. However, whites were four times as likely to smoke and then harm themselves with Taco Bell.

The annual charity auction of a private lunch with billionaire investor Warren Buffett went for just more than $1 million. Buffett said it'll be the first time in a while that he's sat down to lunch with someone who's poor.

A new study says at least 1-in-3 U.S. smokers will die from the habit. While the other 2 will die in a state of nicotine-induced euphoria.

Pope Francis revealed Friday that he never wanted to be pope. "Could you come into my office for a sec," said God.

It was revealed on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" that Bruce Jenner now spends time at a second house away from wife Kris Jenner and their brood. Khloe Kardashian says she doesn't approve of the situation because it puts extra strain on the family's camera crew.

CNN plans to launch a new daily morning show. They say the show will provide them an opportunity to spend the rest of the day making corrections.

A San Francisco man has been sentenced to three years in jail for abducting his two young children and taking them away on a stolen yacht. He was found guilty of setting the bar way too high for other dads.