Topical Monologue Jokes Snubbed By The Emmys

A playground inspired by the popular game Angry Birds is set to open in China. Officials say the playground will be a nice place for Chinese kids to unwind after a 15 hour workday. 

Colombian authorities have arrested a woman who tried to board a plane while wearing a prosthetic baby bump filled with cocaine. Her cover was blown after she was asked when she was expecting, and she replied "when someone gives me twenty grand". 

Hiroshi Yamauchi, who ran Nintendo for more than 50 years, has died at 85 years old. Doctors knew Yamauchi was in trouble when he was unresponsive to their repeated attempts of blowing on him. 

Scientists say that Earth should be habitable for at least the next 1.75 billion years. Or as the unit of measurement is more commonly known, "1 Larry King". 

Miley Cyrus' new song "Wrecking Ball" has hit number 1 on the "Billboard" charts. And to celebrate, she twerked on a giant "#1" foam finger.  

The release of "Pirates of the Caribbean 5" has been delayed. Producers say Johnny Depp has been unavailable due to a worldwide shortage of scarves.

Kelsey Grammer has replaced Nicolas Cage in the new “Expendables” sequel. No word yet on if Grammer will also be replacing Cage's hair plugs.

Leonardo DiCaprio is in talks to star in a biopic about President Woodrow Wilson. The film's working title is "Hot President".

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly dating Matt Nordgren, a former football player. Lohan says Nordgren completes her, meaning he's always there to bail her out of jail.

The former head of the NSA says that Gmail is the preferred email service for terrorists. He says it's also the preferred email service for your spouse's mistress.

Kate Upton says she was offended when a modeling agency told her she was "too American, and everybody knows American women are lazy." Upton then resumed collecting millions of dollars for posing in a bikini.

  

Scientists have discovered a new species of legless lizard that lives beneath the sand dunes near Los Angeles International Airport. And they also believe that tests will prove it to be a distant relative of Steven Tyler.

A new study claims teens have reported eating more fruits and vegetables, consuming less sweets and soda, eating breakfast on weekdays more often, being more active, and spending less time watching TV. However the study's only participant was Malia Obama.

Kate Moss will pose nude in "Playboy"'s 50th anniversary issue. Just a heads up to subscribers wondering why that issue feels thinner than normal.

A study conducted by the Swedish National Food Agency confirmed rumors that anal secretions from beavers can be used to create vanilla flavoring. Which is confusing since the anal secretions typically look a lot more like chocolate.