topical monologue jokes

"Teen Mom" star Farrah Abraham says her four-year-old daughter lives her own life. Or as normal people call that, child neglect.

A new study shows that people who frequently drink wine often don't realize how much they are consuming. The study's sample size was Kathy Lee and Hoda.

Kris and Bruce Jenner announced they have separated. Also separating: Bruce Jenner's face from facial expressions.

Scientists have discovered a way to detect early signs of Alzheimer's by whether or not a person can recognize the smell of peanut butter. It's also a way to detect early signs of a stuffy nose.

Shaquille O'Neal has bought a stake in the NBA's Sacramento Kings. It's Shaq's first time buying a "stake" that doesn't come with a baked potato.

Starting in November, McDonald's will replace the toys in its Happy Meals with books. Or as kids will call them, "napkins".

Jennifer Aniston said that “Friends” was her sixth TV pilot. And the first five didn't work out because her role was recast with Angelina Jolie.

Quentin Tarantino listed "The Lone Ranger" as one of the 10 best movies he's seen so far this year. He said the film is a masterful two and a half hour homage to the really bad movies that came before it.

Tom Hanks revealed that he has type 2 diabetes. Though some suspect he's just getting into character before shooting Wilford Brimley's biopic.

CSPAN2 said that Ted Cruz’s 21 hour speech on Obamacare last month fueled a ratings spike for the network. Experts say the coverage appealed to CSPAN's key demographic: people who've fallen asleep with the tv on.

A recent report claims that Bill Clinton occasionally cheats on his vegan diet. So now, vegan diet is the projected frontrunner for the 2016 Presidential Election.

A county in California passed an ordinance that requires 3,000 dogs to be spayed or neutered. Experts say actually enforcing the ordinance will "take a lot of balls".

Graffiti and scribbles were discovered on the star honoring John Lennon at the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Officials say they don't plan to search for suspects, because "instant karma's gonna get them".

Mitt Romney's new California home will have a garage equipped with a car elevator. So now even cars are at risk for the moment everyone fears most: being trapped in an elevator with Mitt Romney.

Friday marked National Coming Out Day. Or as John Travolta calls it, "Bring your denial to work day".

A Florida man was arrested for masturbating while going through a McDonald's drive-thru window. Employees knew something was wrong when the man told them he'd be the one to hold the special sauce.

On Tuesday, the newly designed $100 dollar bill was released to the public. Then it was recalled and released to China instead.