Monday, March 3, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes Cut Off By the Orchestra at the Academy Awards


The first Oscars ceremony in 1929 only lasted fifteen minutes. In fact, it was so short that the orchestra cutting off speeches was cut off by another orchestra.

Amtrak is testing a promotion where they offer free rides to writers. Amtrak got the idea from the writers' parents.

Delta publicly apologized to a passenger who was told she couldn't breastfeed her infant son. Though they've reminded passengers who aren't nursing to keep their breasts in their full upright and locked position.

A high school student in Indiana recently rented a billboard in order to ask a girl to prom. Though he hurt his chances because instead of leaving his phone number he left his exit number.

This week In New York City, a woman gave birth in the middle of a crosswalk. Officers knew something was up when they stopped and frisked the woman and found an umbilical cord.

Several experts are claiming that posing for selfies is helping to spread head lice. It's also helping to spread the amount of creepy Facebook 'Likes'.

This week the Pentagon announced plans to shrink the size of the US Army. The plans include jumping into a really cold swimming pool.

CNN has canceled "Piers Morgan Live". Though Piers Morgan didn't believe it until he'd heard it from a better news source than CNN.

Due to high salaries, American Idol is set to lose money this year. So instead of being told they're going to Hollywood, contestants who pass the show's audition will be told "You're going to Inglewood!"

Actress Judi Dench has revealed that due to poor vision she's unable to read scripts or watch films. In other words, she sounds like the person who greenlights Tyler Perry's movies.

Two men in New York were arrested after video cameras caught them trying to have sex with dairy cows. Though the men claim they weren't trying to have sex; they were only trying to get to know the cows.

Taco Bell is planning to launch a new breakfast menu. They say the new menu was inspired by the "wake and bake".

A drunk Michigan man accidentally killed himself while demonstrating gun safety techniques to his girlfriend. His girlfriend said, "If you think that's bad, you should've seen him demonstrate techniques for safe sex."

A South Carolina man was arrested for trying to pay at Applebee's with a one trillion dollar bill. The server realized the bill was fake after holding it up to the light and using common sense.

When asked about playing Tinker Bell in NBC's version of "Peter Pan", Miley Cyrus says she'd rather choke on her own tongue. "Sounds great to us," said everyone.

A British man complained to Domino's on Twitter that he burned his penis severely while having sex with one of its pizzas. Domino's says the man should've waited ten minutes for the pizza to cool down if he wanted to have safe sex.

Pope Francis announced an overhaul of the Vatican’s bureaucratic duties by creating a new administrative position. Qualified applicants are encouraged to apply, specifically anyone with experience screening calls from God.

1000 people lined up outside the Golden Nugget casino in Atlantic City for just 50 job openings. "I like my chances," said a candidate who sucks at math.

No comments:

Post a Comment