Hump Day jokes

Computer scientists say they can predict when a couple will break up using the information they share on Facebook. For instance, they can tell a couple is doomed when a person's status is "In a Relationship with Taylor Swift".

A man in Georgia recently ran into a burning house to save his beer. Though when he got inside he realized it was too late, because he'd already drank it all.

The doctor convicted of killing Michael Jackson was freed early from jail as part of California's plan to reduce prison overcrowding. The move is also part of California's plan to reduce pop star overcrowding.

EA Sports announced that they will no longer produce Tiger Woods video games. But gamers who want to continue playing as Tiger can still bang hookers in Grand Theft Auto.

In China, a man who was having trouble finding a girlfriend cut off his own penis. Which actually helped him find a new girlfriend: Lorena Bobbitt.

A Walmart employee recently asked permission to pray aloud while at work. So now instead of greeting customers he'll be greeting Jesus.

A new study found that sex burns more calories than going for a walk. Unless it's a walk of shame.

British Cargo ships have reportedly been playing Britney Spears songs to scare away Somali pirates. Because if pirates have one weakness, it's earplugs.

It's being reported that Senator Rand Paul plagiarized a speech from Wikipedia. For instance, his speech ended with the footnote "clarification needed".

This week the World's Tallest Man got married. The man asked her to get married by getting down on one knee while she got up on one ladder.

In an effort to improve their relationship with its employees, Walmart plans to promote 25,000 workers. In other words, some greeters have been promoted to head greeters.

A high school student in Pennsylvania was recently suspended for dressing like a homeless person. But in the student's defense, he might've just been dressing like a hipster.

A brewery in Oregon has introduced a donut-flavored beer. So good news, tubby: now you can have your cake and drink it too!

A brewery in Oregon has introduced a donut-flavored beer. They say they expect it to be popular amongst men named Homer Simpson.

A smartphone plugin has been developed that emits a bacon smell when someone receives a text. Which is expected to create a new phenomenon: Text-fast in Bed.

Scientists are still digging for Ice Age fossils in the heart of Los Angeles after a century of discoveries. "Hey, I'm right over here!" said Larry King.

A new study suggests that the function of kissing is not directly related to sex. Said the guy trying to get into your pants.

15 More Jokes

Guy Fieri was reportedly paid $100,000 by billionaire Steven Cohen to hang out with him for a day. Though sources say Cohen spent most of the day trying to put out the flames on Fieri's shirt.

7-11 has started to sell Fine wines that cost $20. The new wines have been described as having hints and notes of Lowrider Magazine.

Two Georgia high-school students have been arrested for having sex in the school cafeteria. Officials grew suspicious after finding pubic hair in something other than the food.

A high school chemistry teacher in Indiana was fired after taking his students to a strip club. Parents should've realized something was up after receiving a field trip notice that asked students to bring singles.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie has spent almost a million dollars on food trucks that would provide aid during a natural disaster. Though he said that he's still working on the emergency aid plan for the rest of New Jersey. 

Football great Brett Favre says that he's been suffering from memory loss. Or as experts are putting it, Brett Favre's brain has announced its retirement.

A new online store is selling Super hero costumes for rodents. Rodents say the most frightening costume is "Catwoman".

This week, Apple unveiled the new iPad Air. It's called the "Air" because after you buy one that's what's left in your wallet.

Alec Baldwin called the movie business a “fetid septic tank.” Then he tried to punch it in the face.

A new bra has been invented that will send out a tweet whenever it is removed. And whenever a guy is unable to remove it, the bra will tweet a fail whale.

James Franco will star in a Broadway production of the play “Of Mice and Men." Producers said they targeted Franco for the role of the mentally disabled Lennie after watching him host the Oscars.

Ben & Jerry’s has released a new Ron Burgundy themed ice cream. Officials say it tastes just like a whale's vagina.

Snooki said that her baby boy and Pauly D’s new baby girl could be boyfriend and girlfriend. And if eventually they had their own baby, it'd be an actual orange.

A new survey shows that men are more likely to form relationships with women who wear red on a first date. And even more likely to form relationships with women who wear nothing after the first date.

Bryan Cranston from "Breaking Bad" is the narrator of a new commercial for the iPad Air. SPOILER ALERT: at the end of the commercial your wallet is shot.
 

27 Jokes Looking For A Home

"The Voice" star Cee Lo Green has been charged with one felony count of furnishing a controlled substance. His arms could not reach for comment.

A new study says that women are better at multi-tasking than men. For instance, women are better at putting on makeup while running late.

A new study reveals that candy flavored cigars are popular among kids. Also popular amongst kids: candy flavored ANYTHING.

The Obama administration said that it will give Americans who buy health insurance online an extra six weeks to obtain coverage. Which means the Obamacare website has seen its shadow.

A company in Brazil has created a mascot to promote testicular cancer awareness named Mr. Balls. Which sounds better than the mascot created in America, named Lance Armstrong.

President Obama reportedly called French President Francois Hollande to discuss alleged spying by the NSA on 70 million French citizens. Though Obama said the only suspicious activity found was one French guy actually using deodorant.

This week, Apple unveiled the new iPad Air. It's called the "Air" because after you buy one that's what's left in your wallet.

A Mexican druglord was gunned down by assassins dressed up as clowns. Witnesses described watching them all getaway in one really tiny car.

Clint Eastwood's estranged wife Dina says she's trying to rid her house of Clint's negative energy. She says the first step is to remove all of the chairs he used to talk to.

In a recent interview, Katy Perry says that "You can be the person who is standing in the way of your own success". Or in her case, the person standing in the way of her own breasts.

An American brewery has released a beer called "Dallas Blonde" that they say "goes down easy". And as expected, it's the only beer at the bar that men actually buy drinks for.

The Huffington Post reported this week that one of the most popular baby names right now is Sasha-- after Sasha Obama. While one of the least popular names right now is Healthcare.gov.

A new study suggests that spanking your children could lead to their bad behavior later in life. In other words, Billy Ray Cyrus must've spanked Miley with a foam finger.

John McCain is reportedly considering a run for re-election to the Senate. He's expected to be a popular choice amongst the key demographic of Caucasian zombies.

It came out this week that Starbucks charges 50% more for their drinks in China. So now China is beating America in the only advantage we had left: overcharging for coffee.

Dolly Parton was involved in a minor car accident this week. Of course anything seems minor when compared to her chest.

On Monday, a woman standing behind President Obama nearly passed out while the President spoke about the Affordable Care Act. Though the woman later admitted she was just working on her impression of the Obamacare website.

A columnist stirred up controversy by implying that Tiger Woods has cheated in multiple golf tournaments. When reached for comment, Woods said he'd never cheated while playing golf, but definitely before and after.

Lady Gaga has released a new duet with R Kelly called "Do What U Want". And in the music video Gaga is dressed as a urinal while R. Kelly is dressed as R. Kelly.

Dick Cheney said yesterday that he thinks the Tea Party is a positive influence on the Republican Party. It's similar to how his gun is a positive influence on other peoples' bullet wounds.

A math Professor at the University of Iowa accidentally emailed her students a homemade sex tape instead of the answer to a question. As a result, students' fathers say they can't wait for the next parent/teacher conferences.

This week in Los Angeles, a woman give birth inside a Barnes & Noble. The birth was made extra difficult because it happened in the "Self Help" section.

The new WikiLeaks movie "The Fifth Estate" flopped at the box office. The numbers were so bad that even WikiLeaks refuses to release them.

This week in New York, two men robbed a Whole Foods at gunpoint. It marks the first Whole Foods robbery that didn't involve a cashier checking out a customer.

Kanye West rented out a baseball stadium in order to propose to Kim Kardashian. And as expected, Kim had no problem snagging two foul balls.

Bob Barker has donated almost a million dollars to an animal sanctuary so it could transport 3 elephants from a zoo in Canada. Though as soon as the elephants arrived they were spayed or neutered.

Scientists have discovered that women's breasts age faster than the rest of their bodies. Though in the eyes of most men they never get old.

26 Topical Jokes You Won't Find on Buzzfeed

Creed lead singer Scott Stapp is releasing his first solo album in eight years. "Finally!" said no one.

This week Blackberry sent a statement to their customers to assure them that everything was going to be okay. However the message ended with "sent from my iPhone".

Cinemax announced the end of its After Dark programming block, better known as "Skinemax". The erotic themed shows will be missed by anyone who can't find the internet.

The state of Florida is asking for help in locating two former prison inmates that they realized should still be current inmates. So that narrows down the search to pretty much everyone in Florida.

A clerk was fired from a New Hampshire gas station for pulling out a gun to stop a robbery. The company says it's just enforcing its policy that "the criminal is always right".

A new study claims that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. Though experts say Oreos are still less likely to lead to hookers.

After the government shutdown ended, Joe Biden welcomed back employees by giving them muffins. All while singing, "Do you know the muffin man / The muffin man, the muffin man / Do you know the muffin man, / Who lives in--wait, where are we?"

A proposed new law in Denver will make the smell of marijuana illegal. And if passed, the law would be enforced by Denver police and your parents.

During a visit to a Washington DC food bank, President Obama was seen struggling to properly seal a ziplock bag. Though officials say he was just showing off his impression of Joe Biden.

Ke$ha's upcoming tour of Australia has been canceled. Fans who bought tickets can return to the point of purchase to receive a refund or herpes.

Anthony Weiner said in an interview that if the internet didn't exist he'd be the mayor of New York. "Sure, blame the internet," said his penis.

This week the Texas Motor Speedway began serving a beer milkshake that is infused with bacon. And for an extra fee, they'll give you the suicide note.
 
A movie theater with a strict no-texting policy has banned Madonna after she was caught using her Blackberry. But Madonna argued that since it was a Blackberry, she wasn't actually able to send texts.

Nicki Minaj has unveiled a clothing line for K-Mart. It's perfect for the person who wants to express their trashy fashion sense in two ways at once.

It's rumored that Apple may release a phone/tablet hybrid. And it's expected that the only way to afford one will be with a hybrid of a paycheck & savings bond.

It's been reported that major airlines will squeeze more passengers onto flights by switching to thinner seats. Which is great news for the kid kicking the back of your seat.

New York Congressman Michael Grimm was caught spending 17 minutes inside a bar bathroom with a female companion. It marks the shortest amount of time a congressman has used to actually get something done.

A mall in Florida was shut down after a man scattered his late fiance's ashes at a LensCrafters. Mall officials then ordered the man to collect the ashes and have the urn monogrammed at Things Remembered.

The CEO of Carl's Jr. has come out against Obamacare. He says the real affordable care America deserves is a Double Western Bacon Burger.

Hans Riegel, the creator of Gummy Bears, died this week at the age of 90. His last wish was to have his coffin carried not by Pall-bearers, but by Gummy bearers.

A Federal Air Marshal has been caught taking photos up women's skirts during the boarding of a flight. The TSA apologized while maintaining that its employees are trained to notify passengers before invading their privacy.

A proposed new law in Denver will make the smell of marijuana illegal. After hearing this, New York City has proposed a similar ban on the smell of urine.

A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Which explains the new slogan "Pork: the other white condom".
 
It came out this week that former President George W Bush's blocked artery was 95 percent clogged. But on the bright side, 95 percent is the highest Bush has ever scored on anything.

According to a new poll, Chris Christie is more popular than Bruce Springsteen in New Jersey. Though Christie is still less popular in every other kind of jersey.

Despite the government shutdown, the Grand Canyon has re-opened this week thanks to state funding. And all non-essential wildlife have been ordered to report back to work.

topical monologue jokes

"Teen Mom" star Farrah Abraham says her four-year-old daughter lives her own life. Or as normal people call that, child neglect.

A new study shows that people who frequently drink wine often don't realize how much they are consuming. The study's sample size was Kathy Lee and Hoda.

Kris and Bruce Jenner announced they have separated. Also separating: Bruce Jenner's face from facial expressions.

Scientists have discovered a way to detect early signs of Alzheimer's by whether or not a person can recognize the smell of peanut butter. It's also a way to detect early signs of a stuffy nose.

Shaquille O'Neal has bought a stake in the NBA's Sacramento Kings. It's Shaq's first time buying a "stake" that doesn't come with a baked potato.

Starting in November, McDonald's will replace the toys in its Happy Meals with books. Or as kids will call them, "napkins".

Jennifer Aniston said that “Friends” was her sixth TV pilot. And the first five didn't work out because her role was recast with Angelina Jolie.

Quentin Tarantino listed "The Lone Ranger" as one of the 10 best movies he's seen so far this year. He said the film is a masterful two and a half hour homage to the really bad movies that came before it.

Tom Hanks revealed that he has type 2 diabetes. Though some suspect he's just getting into character before shooting Wilford Brimley's biopic.

CSPAN2 said that Ted Cruz’s 21 hour speech on Obamacare last month fueled a ratings spike for the network. Experts say the coverage appealed to CSPAN's key demographic: people who've fallen asleep with the tv on.

A recent report claims that Bill Clinton occasionally cheats on his vegan diet. So now, vegan diet is the projected frontrunner for the 2016 Presidential Election.

A county in California passed an ordinance that requires 3,000 dogs to be spayed or neutered. Experts say actually enforcing the ordinance will "take a lot of balls".

Graffiti and scribbles were discovered on the star honoring John Lennon at the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Officials say they don't plan to search for suspects, because "instant karma's gonna get them".

Mitt Romney's new California home will have a garage equipped with a car elevator. So now even cars are at risk for the moment everyone fears most: being trapped in an elevator with Mitt Romney.

Friday marked National Coming Out Day. Or as John Travolta calls it, "Bring your denial to work day".

A Florida man was arrested for masturbating while going through a McDonald's drive-thru window. Employees knew something was wrong when the man told them he'd be the one to hold the special sauce.

On Tuesday, the newly designed $100 dollar bill was released to the public. Then it was recalled and released to China instead.

Book Jokes From Book'd in Burbank

Last night I had the honor of entertaining LA's literary community with some book-themed humor. Below is a link to the event page and the topical two-liners I wrote for the show.

A completely bookless library has opened in Texas. It’s called the ranch of George W. Bush.
 

DC Comics says Batwoman can't get married because "heroes shouldn't have happy personal lives". In other words, DC Comics doesn't understand how marriage really works.

A new study reveals that more than 60 per cent of people have lied about reading classic novels to seem more intelligent. While the other 40 per cent try to seem more intelligent by hiding their copy of Twilight.

A Hunger Games-themed summer camp that culminates in a tournament where children simulate fighting to the "death" has opened in Florida. Even more disturbing, the camp's head counselor is George Zimmerman.

A new J.D. Salinger biography claims that he had only one testicle. Though most believe his second testicle was just really reclusive.

Following Miley Cyrus’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, Oxford Dictionary’s next update will include the word “twerk”. The update will also include the word “Miley” as a synonym for skank.

A new study has found that fans of romance novels are more capable of reading subtle facial cues. Of cats.

The chairman of Barnes & Noble says that he's dropped plans to buy the company’s 695 bookstores. Though experts believe he's just going to find them for a better price on Amazon.

Rush Limbaugh is coming out with a childrens' book about the true story of Thanksgiving. SPOILER ALERT: Squanto helps the pilgrims survive by teaching them how to bash Obamacare.

And finally, Marcella Hazan, author of bestselling cookbooks that brought Italian food to America, has died. She’s survived by the Olive Garden.