Saturday, November 15, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes That Will Never Land on a Comet


A new report claims that Americans are increasingly turning to cheaper, imported Mexican meth. Experts say the only difference with the Mexican meth is that you're supposed to take it with a lime.

Scientists have discovered that half of Americans may be infected with a virus that makes them more stupid. They say the most common symptom includes an inability to stop watching the E! network.

As part of an online live stream this week, a French man spent two days looking for a needle in a haystack. The man says his next challenge will be a live stream of him looking for deodorant in France.

This week Kim Kardashian posed for the cover of a magazine that exposed her bare butt. Khloe Kardashian said she may try the same thing, because if she shows enough crack she might finally find Lamar.

Bono's luggage fell out of a private jet mid-air when a door fell off during flight. Which explains why the weather forecast was cloudy with a chance of sunglasses.

Only a week after becoming a media sensation, Alex from Target has been subjected to crude comments and death threats. Though to be fair, he does spend most of his time walking around wearing a giant bullseye.

On Wednesday, emergency crews rescued two window washers who were trapped on a hanging platform dangling from the 68th floor of the new World Trade Center building. "Bor-ing!" said terrorists.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz honored our military by throwing a concert in Washington DC for Veteran's Day. Though most attendees admitted they were only there to use the bathroom and wifi.

One Direction, Coldplay, Sinead O'Connor and Bono are recording a song to help in the fight against Ebola. Which means it's now officially ok to root for Ebola to win the fight.

George W. Bush says that there's a 50-50 chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. And he said if Jeb doesn't run then, there's a 50-50 chance he'd run in 2017.

In a statement released Monday, President Obama called on the FCC to treat all Internet traffic the same way. Then the FCC called on President Obama to create a website that can actually handle internet traffic.

Kenneth Bae, one of the two Americans released from a North Korean prison, says he learned a lot during his 2 years of imprisonment. For instance, he learned that the only basketball player better than Dennis Rodman is Kim Jong-un.

This week during an event with the Asia Pacific Economic Organization, President Obama was chastised for chewing gum. Even more embarrassing, it was Nicorette.

On Tuesday, Kobe Bryant broke the record for the most missed shots in NBA history. Which is why he's now being referred to as the "Michael Jordan of Missed Shots".

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