Sunday, December 16, 2012

Topical Jokes - Week of December 16th

New for this week's batch of topical jokes is a writer's commentary in italics. Enjoy!

President Obama will ask for sixty billion dollars to help states recover from Hurricane Sandy. More specifically, he'll ask in Chinese.
 
Joke shortcut for aspiring monologue writers: any premise that references America needing money MUST have a punchline about China! Because they own our debt! The only other option would be a Mitt Romney tag (punchline), because he is rich, but his relevance has faded fast just months after losing the election. Wait, who the hell is Mitt Romney?! See what I mean!
 
Joke difficulty: 1.3 (out of 10)
Joke originality: .4 (out of 100)
Note: the Chinese judge abstained, because he is not amused :(


Sarah Palin’s oldest son Track has filed for divorce. He says he faced irreconcilable differences with his wife, "Field".
 
Track & Field! Get it! Hahahahahahaha! (By the way, I know it seems unlikely from reading this joke, but I DO have a college degree.)
 
 
DVD rental service Redbox is launching a streaming option at $8 a month to compete with Netflix. And since it's Redbox, the movie you really want to stream will be unavailable.
 
DVD rental service Redbox is launching a streaming option at $8 a month to compete with Netflix. And to stream movies on Friday nights, you'll have to wait in a line.
 
DVD rental service Redbox is launching a streaming option at $8 a month to compete with Netflix. And for an extra $2, they'll send a stranger to hover behind you while you make a selection.
 
DVD rental service Redbox is launching a streaming option at $8 a month to compete with Netflix. Redbox customers haven't received the news because they're still waiting in line at Redbox.
 
Have you ever rented from Redbox?? Because if you have, surely you can relate to the punchlines in this batch of hilarious Redbox jokes!!!


Miley Cyrus recently performed at a concert alongside topless strippers. The strippers said they were glad to work for Miley and not Billy Ray, because she has way more singles.
 
Everyone loves some good ol' fashioned wordplay! Wait, they don't? Ok, let's pretend like this joke never happened.
 
 
It's been reported that Beyonce has made a fifty million dollar endorsement deal for Pepsi. It's also been reported that Charlie Sheen has made a $60 dollar deal for coke.
 
Crap. More horrible wordplay! I mean, move along now, nothing to see here.
 
 
A recent investigation discovered that Justin Bieber was the target of a bizarre plot designed to have him killed and castrated. The plot is especially strange because it assumes Bieber has a penis.
 
I know this one is just another tired Bieber/gender joke, but seriously, does he have a penis? I'm sayin' there's a 50/50 chance he doesn't!
 
 
Danny DeVito told "Extra" that he and Rhea Pearlman are trying to work on their marriage. DeVito said he hopes they succeed because he'll never see eye-to-eye with another woman.
 
I only wrote this one because it helped me reach my December quota on horrible "turn of phrase" jokes.
 
 
Nearly four in 10 U.S. residents blame recent natural disasters on "end times". While ten in 10 U.S. residents blame recent date disasters on "Medieval Times".
 
 
 I liked this joke so much that I decided to give it a picture. All jokes should be this lucky.
 
Well, that's it for now. Feel free to post comments below, because comments make the world go 'round!
 

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