Topical Monologue Jokes That Should Be Deported

A Great Dane in Pennsylvania has given birth to 19 puppies. "Game on!" said Octomom.

NBC has cancelled its planned sitcom with Bill Cosby due to allegations of sexual assault against the comedian. Though reports say Cosby is pitching a new show to networks called "My Accusers Say the Darndest Things".

Facebook is developing a new website that people can use for work. "One step ahead of you," said people already using Facebook at work.

The Bob Marley estate has created a line of official Bob Marley marijuana that will soon hit the market. Sources say you'll be able to tell you're smoking official Bob Marley marijuana if you were overcharged for regular marijuana.

According to a new survey, the world's favorite country is Germany. While the world's least favorite country is Germany from 1939.

Video taken by scientists in the Antarctic shows seals forcing penguins to have sex with them. Even worse, the seals then make the penguins do the waddle of shame.

According to a new study, women with larger breasts tend to spend more money. More specifically, they tend to spend more of someone else's money.

U2 is releasing a series of short films inspired by their new album. It's mostly footage of people deleting the album from their iTunes.

Beyonce's sister Solange got married last weekend. And as you probably guessed, even at her own wedding she was still the bridesmaid.

Charles Manson has gotten a license to marry a 26-year-old woman who visits him in prison. Though the move has been criticized by those trying to protect the sanctity of murder.

In the midst of Buffalo, New York's massive snow storm, several men were seen looting from an abandoned Doritos truck. However the only flavor in the truck was waaay too cool ranch.

The North Korean news agency published photos of Kim Jong Un visiting a food factory. Or as most people call it, a kennel.

Topical Monologue Jokes That Will Never Land on a Comet

A new report claims that Americans are increasingly turning to cheaper, imported Mexican meth. Experts say the only difference with the Mexican meth is that you're supposed to take it with a lime.

Scientists have discovered that half of Americans may be infected with a virus that makes them more stupid. They say the most common symptom includes an inability to stop watching the E! network.

As part of an online live stream this week, a French man spent two days looking for a needle in a haystack. The man says his next challenge will be a live stream of him looking for deodorant in France.

This week Kim Kardashian posed for the cover of a magazine that exposed her bare butt. Khloe Kardashian said she may try the same thing, because if she shows enough crack she might finally find Lamar.

Bono's luggage fell out of a private jet mid-air when a door fell off during flight. Which explains why the weather forecast was cloudy with a chance of sunglasses.

Only a week after becoming a media sensation, Alex from Target has been subjected to crude comments and death threats. Though to be fair, he does spend most of his time walking around wearing a giant bullseye.

On Wednesday, emergency crews rescued two window washers who were trapped on a hanging platform dangling from the 68th floor of the new World Trade Center building. "Bor-ing!" said terrorists.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz honored our military by throwing a concert in Washington DC for Veteran's Day. Though most attendees admitted they were only there to use the bathroom and wifi.

One Direction, Coldplay, Sinead O'Connor and Bono are recording a song to help in the fight against Ebola. Which means it's now officially ok to root for Ebola to win the fight.

George W. Bush says that there's a 50-50 chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. And he said if Jeb doesn't run then, there's a 50-50 chance he'd run in 2017.

In a statement released Monday, President Obama called on the FCC to treat all Internet traffic the same way. Then the FCC called on President Obama to create a website that can actually handle internet traffic.

Kenneth Bae, one of the two Americans released from a North Korean prison, says he learned a lot during his 2 years of imprisonment. For instance, he learned that the only basketball player better than Dennis Rodman is Kim Jong-un.

This week during an event with the Asia Pacific Economic Organization, President Obama was chastised for chewing gum. Even more embarrassing, it was Nicorette.

On Tuesday, Kobe Bryant broke the record for the most missed shots in NBA history. Which is why he's now being referred to as the "Michael Jordan of Missed Shots".

Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Pose Topless

A new study reveals that wearing Google Glass may obstruct a person's peripheral vision. In other words, wearing the device would make it hard to see people pointing and laughing at you.

A former NFL cheerleader has been accused of having sex with a 15 year old boy. Authorities say the boy seems to be ok other than a sore hand from all the high-fives.

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus has been found at fault for a hair-hanging stunt that resulted in acrobats injured by a plunge to the ground. Now Ringling Brothers is being referred to as "The Greatest Show Falling on Earth".

Daredevil Nik Wallenda completed his record-breaking tightrope walk while blindfolded between two Chicago skyscrapers. Though it would've been even more daring if he'd attempted to walk blindfolded through the streets Chicago without getting shot.

The bus bringing the Washington Redskins to their game last Sunday against the Minnesota Vikings crashed on the way to the stadium. The final score was Washington Redskins 0, Metaphors for the Washington Redskins Franchise 1.

New York has banned priests from traveling to western African nations because of the threat of transmitting Ebola. Because the virus can be spread through inappropriate contact with children.

Do you like money?

Hi Facebook friend,

I'm willing to pay YOU up to $135 of my hard-earned bucks.

I'm turning to my social network to help me find romance. This is a chance to set up two of your Facebook friends and make some $$$.

Here's how it works*:

1. If you know a single, eligible lady who might be a match for me, email matchJordanL@gmail.com with their first name and phone number. I will then contact this person and attempt to set up a first date. If we have a first date, I'll give you $10.

2. If we have a second date, I'll give you an additional $25.

3. If we have a third date, I'll give you an additional $100.

About Your Referral

1. YOU, the referrer, must be a Facebook friend of mine at the date of this posting. Your referral must be a current Facebook friend of yours at the date of this posting. Your referral may NOT be a current or former Facebook friend of mine.

2. Your referral must live within 15 miles of 90404 zip code. Anything farther is a long distance relationship in LA.

About Me

1. Gainfully employed full time

2. Have a fully functioning car and comfortable living situation

3. No criminal background (except for an incident in college, but it was worth it!)

It's up to you whether you want to tell the person you're referring about the details of this experiment. But I promise to protect their identity and not exploit this in any way. This is just my earnest effort to try a new avenue.

*None of this is binding, and I don't have a team of fancy, high-priced lawyers to enforce it,--but I'm a man of my word!

Bonus Topical Monologue Jokes For Voting Day

In order to reverse declining sales, Red Lobster has revamped its menu so that it's now 85 percent seafood. However, sales may continue to decline because the revamped menu is still 100 percent Red Lobster.

A company has created a new app that transforms your smartphone into a breathalyzer. For instance, the app will reveal how drunk you are by counting the texts you've sent to ex-girlfriends.

A man who dressed up as a Fox News Reporter for Halloween was attacked. When questioned by police, the man stayed in character by blaming the attack on Barack Obama.
 
A team of scientists has reported using a baby robotic penguin to communicate with real emperor penguins. They say they got the idea from a team who used a dirty, robotic mop to communicate with Steven Tyler.

More than 13 years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a resurrected World Trade Center reopened for business Monday. And somewhere, Osama bin Laden must be swimming in his grave.

A security guard was fired after he admitted taking a picture of President Obama's motorcade. The man claims it couldn't have been Obama's motorcade since there was no golf cart.

Topical Monologue Jokes That Forgot to Fall Back

The elderly inventor of the board game 'Operation' can't afford a real-life operation. But the good news is that the inventor of 'Monopoly' has offered to give him $200 when he passes Go.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. And in a few months a slimmer, more expensive version of him is expected to come out as gay.

This week, an eight year old boy rumored to have Ebola tested negative for the disease. However he did test positive for boogers.

A man in New York was recently arrested for masturbating while driving a school bus. Though to be fair, the man's resume did say that he's great at multitasking.

Students at the University of Pennsylvania can take a course called "Wasting Time on the Internet." The only prerequisite is a course called "Wasting Money on a Diploma."

On Tuesday, an unmanned NASA rocket exploded six seconds after launching. North Korea then accused the U.S. of stealing its technology.

The CEO of the Papa John's pizza chain attended the funeral of an employee who was killed on the job. And after arriving, he made a tribute to the fallen employee by pouring out a garlic sauce.

New Jersey has instituted a mandatory quarantine for healthcare workers returning from Ebola-affected parts of Africa. While Africa has issued a mandatory quarantine for healthcare workers arriving from Axe Body Spray-affected parts of New Jersey.

A recent study shows that eating chocolate can help improve memory. More specifically, it can help you remember when to take an insulin shot.

In order to adapt to the obesity problem in America, car companies have had to introduce fat crash test dummies. These dummies are used to simulate accidents at drive thrus.

Topical Monologue Jokes

Every episode of "Friends" is coming to Netflix next year. Subscribers will be able to find the show under the section "Because You've Watched This A Billion Times Already".

A Washington man has been accused of having sex with a woman after hypnotizing her. He's being charged with false impersonation of Ryan Gosling.

ABC is making a sitcom about a soccer player who comes out as gay. The show was pitched to ABC by your high school's football team.

NBA player Amar'e Stoudemire says he's been bathing in red wine to help with the circulation of his red blood cells. While Kathy Lee and Hoda say they've been bathing in red wine to help with the circulation of their bullshit on tv.

David Letterman's cue card guy was fired after attacking one of the show's writers. He should've known better, because it was #1 on Letterman's Top Ten Ways to Get Fired From Letterman.

A Chicago area prison guard is accused of smuggling sandwiches stuffed with marijuana into the jail for prisoners. The other guards became suspicious when an inmate referred to his sandwich as a BL-THC.

Toys R Us has decided to stop selling Breaking Bad action figures because they depict the wrong image of crystal meth. Because the right image of crystal meth means obsessively cleaning up toys instead of playing with them.

Researchers have discovered the earliest fish species to reproduce using sexual intercourse. The discovery was made in Larry King's porn collection.

Topical Monologue Jokes For Bookish Types

The following are jokes I wrote and performed at Book'd in Burbank, "a bookish social gathering that treats book lovers to an evening of author readings and literary entertainment."

Kobo, an electronics manufacturer, has released an e-reader that works even after getting wet. In other words, it’s 50 Shades of Grey proof.

A popular literary website has collected some of the worst typos in history, which includes "Thou shalt commit adultery." That typo was found in the Ten Commandments from Bill Clinton’s nightstand. 

Bestsellling novelist Nick Hornby has argued that readers should immediately put down difficult books if they aren't enjoying them. "No shit!" said college students.

This fall, a floating pop-up library is opening on New York's Hudson River. Or as hobos are calling it, a cruise ship.

B.J. Novak, actor from The Office, sees his children’s book as a “gateway drug to literature.” While children see his children’s book as a coaster for their Xbox.

An 86-year-old great-great-grandmother has published her first romance novel. It's the story of a woman who falls in love with a box of hard candies.

Kim Kardashian has plans to publish a book of selfies. The book’s working title is “Instagram”. 

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin is lending his influence to a New Mexico Senator running for re-election. Which means instead of being attacked with ads, opponents will be attacked with dragons.

Amtrak has selected 24 writers out of 16,000 applicants to ride a long-distance train and write. While the remaining applicants have been selected to continue loitering inside Starbucks.

A 37 year old man has broken the Guinness World Record for Harry Potter memorabilia, with a collection of over 3,000 items. His home has been declared the "Mecca for virgins".

Book It, a program that rewards young readers with free Pizza Hut, has expanded to include adults. Also expanding to include adults:  sweatpants.

Former President George W. Bush plans to publish a biography of his father, former President George H. W. Bush. Historians expect it to be the first presidential biography written in crayon.

Before his death, writer Elmore Leonard chose to have his crime novel archives housed in South Carolina instead of Detroit. But Detroit is still considered the best place for housing actual crime.

Simon & Schuster is releasing a new book that’s collected every Bob Dylan lyric ever recorded. And they say eventually they’ll offer a version that’s been translated into English.

A single topical monologue joke

Adam Sandler has agreed to star in and produce four feature films exclusively for Netflix. Netflix subscribers will be able to find the films under the section "Because You Watched Unfunny Crap".

topical monologue jokes more flimsy than the new iPhone

A Virgin America flight had to make an emergency landing when a passenger wouldn't stop masturbating. Flight attendants became suspicious when they noticed only one seat experiencing turbulence.

The son-in-law of Osama Bin Laden has been sentenced to life in U.S. prison. Though he said he's still dreading it less than any time he was invited to have dinner with his in-laws.

Pizza Hut is testing healthier “Skinny Slice Pies”. Or as customers will call them, "appetizers".

A Wisconsin man developed a medical condition which makes him have 100 orgasms a day. Doctors say the best way to treat the condition is with absolutely nothing.

Justin Bieber tweeted Wednesday that he busted his eardrum cliff diving. As a result, cliff diving has been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A Virgin America flight had to make an emergency landing when a passenger was masturbating mid flight. Even more disturbing, the passenger was reading a copy of Skymall magazine.

Scientists says that water on Earth is older than the sun and solar system. More specifically, the water in Larry King's swimming pool.

The Do's and Don'ts of Being a Co-Best Man

Here's a piece I wrote for my friends at Laugh Staff:

Congratulations, you're going to be a co-best man!

Yes, that's right--the groom has taken a role traditionally reserved for one person and delegated the responsibilities to two people, because he realizes that the sum of his two best, degenerate friends is the closest thing he has to one competent best man. So far I've had this co-honor twice in my life.

Being a co-best man is what it's like when a football coach sends more than one captain for the coin toss; a team only needs one captain to call "heads" or "tails", but the other captains are there to shake hands, appear useful, and keep the others out of jail.

As a seasoned co-best man, I'd like to provide any novices with some important Do's and Don'ts to consider as you assume this role:

DO

Confer with the other co-best man about what kinds of activities he thinks should happen at the bachelor party.

DON'T

Listen to him if he says no strippers.

DO

Be the co-best man who convinces the other co-best man to upgrade from a regular hotel room to the penthouse suite for the bachelor party. Why? The penthouse suite has like a whirlpool AND a fireplace in it, man.

DON'T

Be the co-best man who puts down the rental deposit for the penthouse suite. "Deposit", in the context of a bachelor party, is the shortest possible way of saying "money that you might as well throw in the fireplace of your penthouse suite after you've destroyed the whirlpool". Make the other co-best man assume any financial responsibility.

DO

Collaborate with the other co-best man on the co-best men speech.

DON'T

Make your co-best men speech an Abbott and Costello routine. Especially if "Who" was a stripper from the bachelor party. ("Who's on first?" "No, Who's on stage. And I'm out of singles.")

DON'T

Live-tweet the bachelor party.

DO

Post any incriminating pictures to MySpace. No one will ever find them there.

DON'T

Let the groom do anything he'd regret if his wife found out.

DO

Blame the other co-best man if this actually happens.

And thus, the overarching lesson is that being a co-best man is just like being a regular best man, except that you have someone else to shoulder all blame and liability, if you play your cards right. Well, that's all the co-best man wisdom I have to pass along for now. Good luck!

topical monologue jokes that should be suspended by the NFL

A company in Japan has created a virtual reality experience that simulates squeezing a woman's breasts. Or as guys call that, "a produce stand".

Scientists at Arizona State University are developing a jet pack that can help soldiers run a four-minute mile or students make a ten second beer run.

A man tried to throw a football filled with drugs into a state prison yard. In other words, the Baltimore Ravens have a new starting quarterback.

The UN chief has named Leonardo DiCaprio the UN Messenger of Peace to promote action on climate change. Because for years DiCaprio has been responsible for the climate change inside women's panties.

A man running for office in New Jersey dropped out of the race after reports surfaced that he shouted racial slurs in a diner while mooning patrons. But on the bright side, he's now eligible to become an NBA owner.

Radisson Hotel is suspending its sponsorship of the Minnesota Vikings, saying they're concerned about the recent controversies. Though it's not all bad news for the Vikings, as they've picked up the sponsorship of the Minnesota State Prison.

Apple reported they got 4 million iPhone 6 orders on the first day. And on the second day they got 4 million orders for the iPhone 7.

During a concert in Australia, Kanye West told a person in a wheelchair to stand up. To be fair, this would actually be easier than getting Kanye West to shut up.

Martha Stewart says that Gwyneth Paltrow needs to be quiet and stop "trying to be Martha Stewart". Though she says she'd be ok with Paltrow trying to be the Martha Stewart who was locked in prison.

VH1 has renewed "Dating Naked" for a second season. Producers say in season two viewers can expect to see even more pixelation.

The FBI has spent a billion dollars to develop new facial recognition technology. Though they admit the technology is still flawed because it can't recognize Bruce Jenner.

A Michigan man tried to throw a football filled with drugs into a state prison yard. He's been charged with illegal procedure and forced to back up 10 yards.

Rob Ford has endorsed his brother's bid for Mayor of Toronto, saying that "Toronto needs Doug Ford as Mayor." After hearing this, political experts say that Rob Ford must be smoking crack.

This week Apple released instructions on how to remove U2's new album from users' iPhones. The instructions include taking the phone and fumbling it into a toilet.

Gerald Depardieu says that he sometimes drinks 14 bottles of wine a day. "Game on!" said Kathy Lee and Hoda.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are reportedly getting divorced. The couple is separating based on "irreconcilable songwriting".

The Ferguson police officer who shot Michael Brown testified before a grand jury. Though it was difficult to understand his words through the riot control mask.

Bill Clinton encouraged Scottish voters to vote "No" on Thursday's referendum for independence from Britain. He also encouraged them to cheat on Britain with Belgium.

University of Pennsylvania was voted #1 party school. The vote was conducted by Yeah Right! Magazine.

Doctors treating an Ebola patient say that eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream may have cured him. Because the diabetes forced them to amputate his whole body.

A life-sized statue of Amy Winehouse was unveiled in London. Though shortly after the unveiling the statue was taken to rehab.

Two inmates escaped last Saturday night from a detention facility in New Jersey. Officials believe the inmates waited until prison security guards became distracted by themselves in the mirror.

Last Sunday "The Star Spangled Banner" turned 200 years old. "Welcome to the club," said Larry King.

According to a recent study, wind turbines kill fewer birds than cats. Which might explain any cats disguised as wind turbines.

A new study claims that American waistlines are increasing, especially in women. The study was conducted by men after their weddings.

pumpkin flavored topical monologue jokes

GM will introduce a new car that allows hands-free, foot-free driving. Or as most people already call that, "texting while driving".

Olive Garden is offering a new deal that gives customers unlimited pasta for 7 days for just $100. Also included with the Olive Garden deal:  unlimited shame.

According to a new study, lesbians get more orgasms then straight women. The study was conducted by your ex-girlfriends.

In the wake of their highly publicized domestic assault incident, Ray Rice and his wife say they've found religion. Which makes sense, because they heard it's a stairway to heaven instead of an elevator.

This week, an Alex Rodriguez Linkedin profile surfaced online. You can tell it's really Rodriguez's profile because of how many endorsements he's received for "injecting steroids".

Lights on Broadway were dimmed Tuesday night in memory of Joan Rivers. Though a more appropriate tribute would've been to make the lights look twenty years younger.

In Oklahoma, a McDonald's sign fell on a patron's car right outside the restaurant. Though a manager assured customers that the outside of McDonald's is still safer for them than what happens inside.

The NYPD is requiring that its officers take classes on how to use Twitter. While Ferguson, MO is requiring that its officers take classes on how to shoot Twitter.

A new study says that having regular family meals helps protect teens from the effects of cyber bullying. Except when teens post a picture of them eating with their family.

According to a recent report, Apple's newest iPhone can also be used as a credit card. The phone is expected to be a huge hit amongst pickpockets.

A new report claims that companies are making more of an effort to recruit female construction workers. And by making more of an effort, they mean finding female candidates and catcalling them.

Led Zeppelin says it plans to release a series of scarves that feature art from their album covers. While Aerosmith says it has plans to release a series of scarves from Steven Tyler's neck.

Charlie Sheen is giving $1,000 to a Philadelphia waiter who was stiffed by an NFL player. The waiter said the first thing he's planning to do with the $1,000 is have it power washed.

topical jokes not nominated for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

This week, a wanted man in Omaha, Nebraska, was found and captured by police after posting his ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video on Facebook. The man says his biggest mistake was nominating the town sheriff.

 

Next month, Apple will release a new Smartwatch. You can tell it's an Apple watch, because instead of using an hour hand and a second hand, they used tiny Chinese hands.

 

Burger King is in talks to buy a chain of donut shops. But regulators are expected to reject the deal, because it'd create a monopoly on diabetes.

 

Sarah Silverman made headlines for bringing pot to the Emmys. And when asked who she was wearing, she couldn't remember.

 

Mitt Romney said in a radio interview that right now, he's not running for president in 2016, but that "circumstances can change". The main circumstance being whether Republicans decide to press Mitt Romney's reset button.

 

Sunday's Earthquake in Napa Valley reportedly caused severe damage to several wineries. The county has been declared a disaster area by Kathy Lee and Hoda.

 

The Obama family has returned to the White House after a two-week vacation on Martha's Vineyard. Which explains why Joe Biden was seen deflating the bounce house he'd set up in the oval office.

 

According to Adam Levine, the new Maroon 5 album is taking the band back to where they started. And according to the rest of the band, the album is taking them back to where they haven't been in a while--a bank.

 

After suffering from a recent drop in sales, Abercrombie and Fitch is removing its name from its clothing. Experts believe the next step for Abercrombie will be removing its stench from shopping malls.

Topical Monologue Jokes Drafted Before Johnny Manziel

Kim Kardashian said she fears raising her daughter in a world where racism is "still alive." While all other mothers fear raising their daughters in a world where Kim Kardashian is still alive.

During a White House Cinco De Mayo celebration, President Obama warned his guests to be careful with the margaritas because they'll, "sneak up on you." Because after they sneak up on you, they'll also read your emails.

Miley Cyrus says that she's the "poster child for good health." Even stranger, Billy Ray Cyrus says that he's the "poster child for good haircuts."

HGTV has fired the twin brother hosts of a new show called "Flip It Forward" due to reports that they're anti-gay activists. HGTV said it'll continue to support gay culture by airing programs about homes and gardens.

A gang named The Miley Cyrus Gang has reportedly been attacking people in the city of Joliet, Illinois. More specifically, attacking their ears.

"Meet the Press" is being criticized for having Will.i.am on as political commentator last Sunday. Though to be fair, he did address the global threat of rising tensions in da club.

In the wake of the holiday security breach, Target's CEO has officially stepped down. He said now he plans to spend more time with his family's data.

Former Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst has directed a new commercial for eHarmony. Not to be outdone, the new Match.com commercial is reportedly being directed by Chumbawumba.

A group of friends who rented an RV for a bachelor party discovered a dead body inside one of its compartments. The group said the best part is that they weren't even charged extra.

Topical Monologue Jokes

Sources say Fox News anchor Shepherd Smith has been demoted for wanting to come out as being gay. In fact, Fox News moved Smith from a corner office to a closet.

For the first time, the Colorado Symphony will host an event that encourages marijuana use. Or as most people call that, "a concert".

It was announced this week that Toyota will move its American headquarters from Los Angeles to Texas. As a result, the new Prius will come standard with a gun rack.

Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block will tour together under the name "Nick & Knight". Which is more catchy than the tour's original name, "Washed Up & Broke".

On Friday, a strip club in Washington DC was forced to evacuate due to a building collapse. Employees suspected something was up when one of the customers started to make it rain bricks.

An elementary school was evacuated after a classroom's python escaped. Authorities aren't sure how the snake escaped without having a hall pass.

Chicago is building a high school named after President Obama. And unfortunately for students, they're naming the cafeteria after Michelle Obama.

Scientists have developed a portable fertility test that will enable men to test the quality of their sperm at home. They're calling it "a laptop computer".

A recent poll found that 41 percent of New Jersey residents would like to move out of the state. While the other 59 percent said they can't move because they''re trapped under Chris Christie.

India has passed Japan to become the world's third largest economy. Japan said to keep pace, it's now transitioning to a call center based economy.

The NAACP will no longer honor Clippers owner Donald Sterling with a lifetime achievement award. Which means he's now a lock for a lifetime achievement award from the KKK.

Donald Sterling's racist comments have resulted in a lifetime ban from the NBA. It's also resulted in him being asked to write the foreword for Paula Deen's cookbook.

Topical Monologue Jokes I Forgot to Post Two Weeks Ago

Louisiana congressman Vance McAllister apologized after he was caught on camera kissing a female staffer. Even worse, it was shown on the U.S. Capitol building's Jumobtron.

San Francisco police are investigating a vandalism spree that resulted in four Smart Cars being tipped over. Authorities believe it's because Smart Cars use less energy to be tipped than cows.

A recent intelligence report reveals that the CIA used Red Hot Chili Peppers songs to torture a terrorism detainee. They say it was so effective that the man still cries at any mention of California".

Katherine Heigl has sued a drugstore chain because they used her image without consent. To be fair, the drugstore should've known that the only place Heigl's image can be used is in crappy rom-coms.

A Houston woman was found guilty of murdering her boyfriend with a stiletto shoe during an argument. Prosecutors say it's the first time they've used evidence entered into court from the local police and the fashion police.

A nursing home in Long Island hired male strippers to put on a show for its elderly residents. The show was stopped when residents complained of arthritis pain caused by someone making it rain.

A British movie theater was forced to cancel a screening of Noah due to flooding. The theatre says refunds were issued at the box office, two by two.

A nutrition expert says that "superfoods" like kale and quinoa are actually bad for you and should be avoided. After hearing this, Taco Bell announced a new kale and quinoa stuft burrito.

Hillary Clinton ducked out of the way of a shoe thrown at her during a speech in Las Vegas. After hearing about this, George W. Bush gave Hillary his endorsement for President.

"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis is about to become the father of twin girls. Francis says that according to the ultrasound both girls will be born topless.

Wisconsin has passed a law banning "revenge porn." So now the best way to embarrass someone in Wisconsin is with a video of them not eating cheese.

An atheist man in Orlando attacked his roommate because he thought he was Jesus. And the roommate didn't help things when he forgave the man for his attack.

Topical Monologue Jokes Less Likely To Be Found Than A Black Box

According to new research, vegetarians are less healthy than meat-eaters. Because they're more likely to be injured from patting themselves on the back.

He's never Putin on a shirt

McDonald's says it's leaving Crimea due to reasons beyond its control. While Vladimir Putin says he's leaving McDonald's due to its policy of "No shoes, no shirt, no service."

A recent back surgery has forced Tiger Woods to pull out of the Masters. Though experts believe it won't keep Tiger from pulling out of cocktail waitresses.

According to a new study, the Internet is a big reason why more Americans are losing their religion. So to win people back, religious leaders have promised that heaven now has free wifi.

Frankie Knuckles, one of the inventors of house music, died Monday at 59. DJs everywhere were asked to honor Knuckles by not holding a single moment of silence.

On Wednesday the Supreme Court lifted limits on individual campaign contributions in federal elections. So instead of being the "Leader of the Free World", the next U.S. President will be nicknamed "Warren Buffet's bitch."

James Franco allegedly asked an underage teenage girl to meet up with him at a hotel. Though in his defense, she probably looked legal if you squint hard enough as James Franco.

OkCupid is encouraging users to avoid Mozilla Firefox due to anti-gay contributions by the company's CEO. Though Firefox users might've suspected the company was run by a homophobe when their browser didn't recognize same-sex plugins.

GrubHub, the Chicago-based online food ordering company, raised $193 million in its first day on the stock market. However those who bought shares say that Grubhub forgot to include utensils.

Donald Trump said he's talked to investors about buying the Buffalo Bills. He's also talked to investors about building Buffalo's first more-than-one-star hotel.

According to a website for people looking to cheat, the city with the most people wanting to commit adultery is Chicago. More specifically, people in Chicago are looking to cheat on their spouse with a hot Italian beef sandwich.

According to a website for people looking to cheat, the city with the most people wanting to commit adultery is Chicago. More specifically, the people in Chicago looking to cheat are Cubs fans looking for a new team.

A new study shows that zebras evolved stripes to ward off flies. While humans evolved stripes to ward off looking fat.

Topical Monologue Jokes Also Uncoupling from Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow told E! that when you're a mother it's harder to be a movie star than it is to hold an office job. And she says anyone who doesn't believe her can ask her butler's assistant.

To protest Russia's invasion, Ukranian women are refusing to have sex with Russian men. So take note, men, that Ukranian women won't put out on the first invasion.

Scientists are doing research to find proof that bisexuality exists. The research includes a night out barhopping with Andy Dick.

Hobby Lobby went before the Supreme Court to argue that they shouldn't have to pay for employee birth control. Hobby Lobby's defense was that anyone wearing a Hobby Lobby uniform isn't actually having sex.

In Missouri, elephants escaped from the circus and damaged cars in the parking lot. Even worse, it's been reported that the elephants were uninsured.

According to a new study, potential business investors prefer to get pitches from handsome men. While the Chicago Cubs prefer to get pitches from kindergartners.

Supporters of an initiative to legalize marijuana in California have received permission to begin gathering signatures. Unfortunately they totally can't remember where they left their pens.

Jimmy Carter said that he doesn’t use email because he thinks the NSA is monitoring it. And also because his grandkids haven't shown him how to use it.

At a recent town hall meeting, Governor Chris Christie told a 3-year-old boy that he's tired of all this "damn snow". He says it's his job to shutdown roads, not Mother Nature's.

Members of the Wu-Tang Clan say they'll sell just one copy of their new album. "Hey, me too!" said Vanilla Ice.

An Indiana brewery is launching an official "Star Trek" beer. The brewery says it's the only beer they'll sell that when poured won't get any head.

Topical Monologue Jokes That Will Bust Your Bracket

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My 2014 March Madness Bracket Picks

March Madness 2014 Bracket

Topical Late Night Monologue Jokes To Read When You've Blacked Out

During a recent festival performance, Lady Gaga was puked on. Though to be fair, she was dressed as a toilet.

Earlier this week a graphic on Fox News misspelled "spelling bee." Then later it got worse when Fox News misspelled "Obama" as H-i-t-l-e-r.

After missing a costume change during a concert, Miley Cyrus had to run onstage in just her underwear. Or as Lena Dunham calls it, "overdressing".

On Wednesday night the U.S. Capitol was left in darkness due to a power outage. Sources say Joe Biden was able to keep busy by reading ghost stories.

The Los Angeles Lakers have announced that Kobe Bryant will not play for the rest of the season. Despite this, experts predict he'll still lead the Lakers in scoring.

According to a new survey, Buffalo is the most affordable city in America. Which makes sense because anyone living in Buffalo is there because they can't afford somewhere better.

A right-wing pastor says that Disney's "Frozen" is encouraging children to be gay. Which is especially true if children watch "Frozen" alone with a priest.

In Seattle, a Subway worker used a sandwich knife to scare off a robber. The employee has been promoted from "Sandwich Artist" to "Head of Sandwich Artist Security".

After the first month of legalized marijuana in the state, Colorado collected $3.5 million in tax revenue. Or as they're calling it, potheads paying to fill potholes.

Paul Stanley of KISS says he wants the band to continue even after he's gone. "Way ahead of you," said the band's accountant.

Topical Late Night Monologue Jokes Threatening to Invade Ukraine

A new study shows men drinking in bars often sexually harass women who aren’t interested. Or as most men call it, “flirting”.

Oscar Mayer has launched a version of Lunchables that's aimed at grown-ups. It's the perfect meal for adults who still have their lunch packed by their parents.

Three third-graders in California were caught smoking marijuana. Teachers became suspicious when the students actually wanted seconds at the school cafeteria.

Radio Shack said it plans to close over 1,000 stores in an attempt to turn around its fortunes. And if that doesn't work, their plan is to ride a time machine back to the '80s.

Kurt Busch will try to become only the second driver to complete the Indianapolis 500 and the Coca-Cola 600 on the same day. Though even more challenging is anyone who attempts to watch both races on the same day and stay awake.

An Ohio fifth-grader was suspended after he pointed his fingers in the shape of a gun and pretended to shoot a fellow classmate. Though in the boy's defense, he also approached the classmate and pretended to surgically remove the bullets.

A Walmart shopper in Kansas lost a tooth during a fight over the self-checkout machine. Even worse, it was the man's only tooth.

A Walmart shopper in Kansas lost a tooth during a fight over the self-checkout machine. It's why Walmart has changed their slogan to "Watch out for falling prices and teeth".

A woman in New York won a $2 million lottery after using numbers she saw in a fortune cookie. Though she should've known because the fortune read "You will need a financial manager."

Topical Monologue Jokes Cut Off By the Orchestra at the Academy Awards

The first Oscars ceremony in 1929 only lasted fifteen minutes. In fact, it was so short that the orchestra cutting off speeches was cut off by another orchestra.

Amtrak is testing a promotion where they offer free rides to writers. Amtrak got the idea from the writers' parents.

Delta publicly apologized to a passenger who was told she couldn't breastfeed her infant son. Though they've reminded passengers who aren't nursing to keep their breasts in their full upright and locked position.

A high school student in Indiana recently rented a billboard in order to ask a girl to prom. Though he hurt his chances because instead of leaving his phone number he left his exit number.

This week In New York City, a woman gave birth in the middle of a crosswalk. Officers knew something was up when they stopped and frisked the woman and found an umbilical cord.

Several experts are claiming that posing for selfies is helping to spread head lice. It's also helping to spread the amount of creepy Facebook 'Likes'.

This week the Pentagon announced plans to shrink the size of the US Army. The plans include jumping into a really cold swimming pool.

CNN has canceled "Piers Morgan Live". Though Piers Morgan didn't believe it until he'd heard it from a better news source than CNN.

Due to high salaries, American Idol is set to lose money this year. So instead of being told they're going to Hollywood, contestants who pass the show's audition will be told "You're going to Inglewood!"

Actress Judi Dench has revealed that due to poor vision she's unable to read scripts or watch films. In other words, she sounds like the person who greenlights Tyler Perry's movies.

Two men in New York were arrested after video cameras caught them trying to have sex with dairy cows. Though the men claim they weren't trying to have sex; they were only trying to get to know the cows.

Taco Bell is planning to launch a new breakfast menu. They say the new menu was inspired by the "wake and bake".

A drunk Michigan man accidentally killed himself while demonstrating gun safety techniques to his girlfriend. His girlfriend said, "If you think that's bad, you should've seen him demonstrate techniques for safe sex."

A South Carolina man was arrested for trying to pay at Applebee's with a one trillion dollar bill. The server realized the bill was fake after holding it up to the light and using common sense.

When asked about playing Tinker Bell in NBC's version of "Peter Pan", Miley Cyrus says she'd rather choke on her own tongue. "Sounds great to us," said everyone.

A British man complained to Domino's on Twitter that he burned his penis severely while having sex with one of its pizzas. Domino's says the man should've waited ten minutes for the pizza to cool down if he wanted to have safe sex.

Pope Francis announced an overhaul of the Vatican’s bureaucratic duties by creating a new administrative position. Qualified applicants are encouraged to apply, specifically anyone with experience screening calls from God.

1000 people lined up outside the Golden Nugget casino in Atlantic City for just 50 job openings. "I like my chances," said a candidate who sucks at math.